Written by Dave Homsher on Sunday, 01 June 2008 Category:Random Hits:1857

Where do I even begin with this story?  Well, cars are absolutely freaking awesome.  Part of the reason that I became a Mechanical Engineer is because high performance automobiles are so fantastic.  Well, even though I think cars rock, THANK GOD I don’t love cars NEARLY as much as this guy.

WHAT THE EFF? 

Are you serious?

This dude Jordan has been having sex with his car for 4 years.  I can’t even begin to understand how this thought begins to enter into anyone’s mind.  You’ve never even KISSED a girl?  Really, I’m SHOCKED!!  What in the hell could possibly possess someone to put their piece into an EXHAUST PIPE?

Quite possibly the best part of the story is the fact that he decided to tell his dad about this.  I’d love to have a tape recording of that conversation:  “So…umm…dad…I’ve found someone special…her name is Ingo…well, it’s not exactly someone…its…umm…my Volkswagen…I have sexual feelings for my car…and I have sex with it quite frequently.”  Now, my dad is extremely supportive, but if I told him something like that he’d probably leap across the table and strangle me to death.  This guy’s dad is COMPLETELY OK with it.  According to Jordan, “When I told my dad I was sexually attracted to my car, he just said that there are lots of different people out there who are attracted to lots of different things.”  Yea, Jordan, some people are attracted to BLONDES and others are attracted to BRUNETTES.  Normal people DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH CARS!!!  Strangely enough, Jordan doesn’t feel comfortable telling his mom.  His mom wants him to meet a nice girl.  Apparently, Jordan doesn’t think that Ingo is up to her lofty standards.  “She sees the world in a different way.”  NO HOMES!!!  YOU SEE THE WORLD IN A DIFFERENT WAY!!  Just because your mom doesn’t make love to vehicles doesn’t mean that she’s different. 

Now, Jordan doesn’t want to contract any STDs, so he makes sure to use a condom when he has sex with his car.  According to him, “If I’ve just been driving her, I have to wait for the exhaust pipe to cool down before I have sex. And I always use a condom because of all the dirt and dust inside.”  I thought it was just a clue that she was “hot” for him, but I guess that’s not the case.  Also, it would be a real shame if Ingo got pregnant and had a human-beetle hybrid child.  Now that thing MIGHT have a tough time finding a home in society. 

Now, I know all you other automobiles out there reading this are disappointed to hear that such a fantastic bachelor as Jordan is now basically off the market.  Not to fear – it seems that Jordan and Ingo have an open relationship!!  And guess what else – Jordan swings both ways!!!  Jordan has recently been experimenting with a “gay relationship”.  He’s purchased a male car named Todd.  Jordan is happy to report that although he first “felt like I was cheating on Ingo…now we all work well together.”  However, Jordan’s relationship with Todd needs to be somewhat secretive because Todd is kept in the driveway and not in the garage.  Ingo gets more of Jordan’s attention because it’s easier for them to have private time together.  Things are trickier with Todd.  Jordan needs to sneak out in the middle of the night to get down with Todd.  CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE THIS!?!  Imagine if you need to take an early flight to the airport and you walked outside to find your NEIGHBOR MAKING LOVE WITH HIS FREAKING CAR??   

How do I even conclude an article like this?  What does it say about our society that people like this even exist?  How the hell does someone grow up to think that sex with cars is a good idea?  If this is the direction we are headed, I shudder for our future. 

Most men are interested in something in this photo, but it isn't the beetle.

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