Written by Jim Sarruda on Wednesday, 23 July 2008 Category:Abridged Scripts Hits:29155

Tra-la-la, la-la.  I love you son.  I am so obviously the good guy.

Lucky for me there is nobody else at this carnival but my target.  I appear emotionless even though I’m about to commit murder.  I must be the bad guy.  Notice I’m smoking a cigarette.

How sad.  I guess JOHN TRAVOLTA is going to want revenge as soon as possible.

Did we find Nicholas Cage yet?  Turns out I work for the F.B.I. and am in charge of the “finding Nicholas Cage department.”

So you have been looking for Nicholas Cage for how long?  Guess you aren’t good at what you do.

What’s that?  We know where Nicholas Cage is? Wow that was lucky.

I will play the part of the weak, pitiful, annoying little brother of the antagonist.  I have one purpose in this movie and it is to . . .

Stand Off

Honey, I caught the man that killed our son.  It’s over.

EXCELLENT! Now promise me you will take a desk job and become more family oriented.

Yes, I promise I will not involve myself in any activity that might endanger the life of myself, you, or our daughter.

We suspect Nicholas Cage armed a bomb before he went into his coma.  We don’t know where it is. Rather then do actual police work, we need you to undergo complicated plastic surgery, allowing Nicholas Cage to play the hero for a while, which will in turn help us find the location of the bomb.

Wait . . what??

Please, this is the only way.  This surgeon is completely awesome at making sure Nicholas Cage can now play your character by confusing the audience with complicated scientific terms.  This mission is top secret, which means the only people that will know about it are me, this nameless, expendable, woman, and this other character that will not be missed.

But . . But . . .

See, I made a replica of a human ear.  This clearly means I will have no problem turning you into Nicholas Cage.

But . . I’m fat, unathletic, and haven’t had any real work since the movie Michael.

What movie?

Never mind.

Oh My God!  What have I done!

 City of Angels! The Family Man! Nooo!

Where’s the bomb?

Don’t you know where it is?  I mean, the whole thing was your idea.  Why on earth would you ask that question?

I mean . . . err . .

Something is off about you.  You know what, I’ve seen this type of thing before.  What if you and John Travolta switched characters?

Why on earth would you even guess that?

To allow for easier transition later.  But anyway, despite my suspicions, I will tell you the bomb location.

Wait a minute, I thought you were in a coma.

I was, but then I woke up in the middle of the night with a huge bandage on my face, and your script on my pillow.  So I found a nearby phone and called director John Woo.  We then found the same plastic surgery guy from the beginning, and forced him to make the plot feasible.  Oh, and I obviously killed the two easily forgotten characters that knew you are actually the good guy.

Oh, now we know who’s good and who’s bad.  I guess Nicholas Cage is definitely going to want revenge this time, but he’s trapped in a High Security Prison.

If I start a fight, I will escape.

For the next half hour I will do my best to infuriate the audience.  Watch me romance Joan Allen and create sexual tension with her daughter, all while smoking the cigarette.  That rather then my acting, labels me as the “bad guy.”

Bad Guy Things

EEK!  You are the bad guy!

Wait a minute . . . Crying . . .  No Cigarette . . . I need to do a blood test.

Holy Shnikes you are the good guy!  The only thing that could possibly explain this is you and John Travolta traded scripts!

Wow, um . . . this is awkward.  Honey,  Um . . . well . . . John Travolta and I.... . . .

You didn’t!

Saturday Night fever, Grease Lightning . . .

Now that the movie is over, everything has to go back to normal.  I have the ability to restore everything back to the way it was.

POOF!

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