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 | Written by Dipul Patel on Monday, 11 August 2008
Category:Movies_Dip
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Movie theaters Fail.
Here's why.
I’m a movie lover. I am obsessed with movies, I love watching them, I love immersing myself in the experience.
I hate movie theaters.
Hate them.
People claim that the reason movie theater attendance has gone down, is because of the rise of cheap DVD’s and piracy.
They all all play a part, the really, the fault for movie theater attendance drop off, is the movie theater itself!
Here are some Gripes:
Quality … What quality?
DO you know how annoying it is, knowing that a movie I am watching in a movie theater LOOKS AND SOUNDS Better in my own home? I have a 4 year old HDTV, for those of you who know anything about HDTV, know that 4 years makes anything obsolete. My TV was amazing when it came out, but now… it barely competes with some of the cheaper models out there. I have a ridiculous sound system, and it won’t be obsolete for a very long time.
Why does this matter, it matters because movie theaters should be AMAZING. These are rooms that should be designed from the ground up to be a theater. My house wasn’t laid out with the right dimensions for home theater. My room is a square, which means I have a ridiculous problem with standing waves. My room has a tile floor and wall, cathedral ceilings and windows all over. I can’t control the light during the day, I can only produce band-aid solutions for the reflection in sound.
But my house was built to be a house. That’s its function, and my house is win.
A home theater is designed from the ground up to be a theater. It’s not a freaking café. It’s not ap lace to eat, or play videogames. Those are side-dishes to the entrée, which should be an amazing theater.
Not so.
I spend 10 bucks to get into a theater, that hasn’t been calibrated in a decade. It’s using old speakers, old projectors and probably some old guy running them. I can’t tell you how many times ive been in a theater in the last 6 months to find it out of focus. Focus? Are you joking, the damn thing is a fixed distance away!
I once saw the first five minutes of a movie, with a split in the middle, because the frames hadn’t been lined up correctly.
Sure, some theaters are outfitted digital projectors, but this is not the norm.
Reason 1 why theaters are losing admission? THERE IS NO REASON TO GO. The quality does not justify the price of admission!
Movie theaters should be calibrated every month, and it should be done by ISF.
There should be some kind of standard for Theaters, but there is none.
The Filth and Smell
All of you – every single one of you who has a job knows of the guy who puts buttered popcorn into the microwave in the office. The smell is so bad it could make an elephant weep. Who the hell eats that garbage?
I would rather eat dinner in a rest stop bathroom than smell that repugnant, rancid crap.
That is what almost all movie theaters smell like, regardless of quality of the theater.
Also, why the hell is the floor sticky?
I’ll tell you why, because movie theaters leave just enough room between showings for people to vacate, and some ushers to do a quick look to make sure nothing overly ridiculous is in there, you know, like an aborted fetus chewing on rotten rhino balls.
I paid 20 bucks for two to get into the theater, 5 bucks for a soda, and 5 bucks for popcorn. That’s 30 bucks, and you butt nuggets cant even spend 15 minutes to clean the floor?
Rediculous.
My floor at home is clean, and it doesn’t smell like baboon semen either.
The Annoying People
DOUCHEBAGS, you are not on the set of Mystery Science Theater 3000. You are not funny, your comments are not witty and no one wants to hear them.
There are the people who yell crap like “OH HELL NAW” or “WHAT.. DON’T GO UP THE STAIRS!”. Then there are people who ask absolutely ridiculous questions like, “WHO IS SHE AGAIN? WHAT DID SHE DO?”
Yo, Jared, get your face out of the supersize popcorn and pay the f**k attention.
Everyone, if you’re in a theater, STFU.
There is a very broad line between times when you talking is acceptable (like shock, or really funny crap), and when it’s not (DAMN HE WRECKED HIS BENZO).
Here is the best part, the annoyance doesn’t end there! When people leave a theater, they like to discuss the movie they just watched. Most people, do this quietly.
But there is always the moron. The dingleberry who just has to scream out, “HOLY CRAP I CANT BELIEVE XXX DID YYY!” Congrats moron, you just ruined the movie for everyone standing in line.
This happened to me last month and it just re-affirmed why I hate movie theaters.
The Seating
Seriously? In most theaters, the seats suck balls. They creek when they recline, they are too close to everyone and the placement is absolutely garbage. What corporate crustmuffin came up with that seating arrangement? Some of these seats are literally 10 feet from the screen… a 50 foot screen.
Who the hell sits in the front row? Why are there even seats there? I had to sit there when Matrix Reloaded come out, and the whole movie looked skewed. The fact that theaters even offer these seats, and charge full admission is borderline criminal.
Here is analogy. You walk into a stadium, and they sit you behind a pole, so half of your vision is obstructed. Oh, you’re also on the very top row, in the corner, so all you can see are specks moving around.
And the kicker, that ticket is just as expensive and right behind home plate, or on the 50 yard line.
Sound good? Fantastic!
Finally,
For 10 grand, you can build a movie theater at your house, with full surround sound and a projector (and seating), that will absolutely destroy all movie theaters. I mean DESTORY them. For 5 grand, you can do it to rival most.
Tell me, where is the value in going to a movie theater? Especially when blu-ray absolutely decimates the market?
TV’s are only getting cheaper and better. Speakers and signal processing is already so good that it’s difficult to improve. With 1080P (and greater eventually) movies with uncompress sound, what’s the purpose of a theater?
Theaters, if you want to re-capture the market, you need to give us something that is a real discriminator. Just an absurdly large screen doesn’t cut it, when the quality of the picture and sound is crap, and the atmosphere is revolting, the prices exorbitant and the quality seating so limited. In addition, for 1500 bucks you can have an incredible projected movie in your basement, on a 15’ screen. Large screens in the theaters are no longer really that impossible to emulate.
There are some luxury theaters out there, that offer drinks, nice seats and actually palatable food. I haven’t been to one, but I assume the audio/video quality is on par (assume is strong, maybe I HOPE it is), but these are far from the norm. This is the model movie theaters need to adopt, immediately. People like going out to see a movie, but I promise you, even the mose die hard movie-goers will get FED UP.
It's very simple, offer some real discriminators. Email me if you need help with this.
Hollywood, I say you remove the last real discriminators movie theaters have and simultaneously release blu-ray disks with the theater releases.
 WIN.
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By:Dipul Patel
Category:Movies_Dip
Hits:17890
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