Written by Dave Homsher on Sunday, 17 August 2008 Category:Books and Film Hits:25876

Let’s get the obvious stuff out of the way.  Yes, I am a Star Wars fan.  Yes, that does make me a huge nerd.  Yes, I do have a Lego Darth Vader hanging from my key chain (and he freaking ROCKS!).  No, I’ve never dressed up like Obi-Wan Kenobi or gone to a Star Wars convention.  All of this adds up to a pretty simple equation.

New Animated Star Wars + Homsher = $10 being spent

Despite being a bigtime fan of the series, I didn’t have the highest expectations of all time.  After all 2 of the 3 prequel movies weren’t particularly good (“Revenge of the Sith” was pretty sweet though), and the early reviews of this movie weren’t exactly glowing.  However, it was Star Wars and even the bad Star Wars stuff is usually pretty entertaining.   I wasn’t expecting the Godfather, but I thought I could look forward to an hour and a half of amusing animated lightsaber action.  With that in mind, around 10 o’clock PM on Friday, 5 of us left the bar and headed out to the theater. 
 
We should have stayed and drank.

Don't let the poster fool you - Yoda NEVER uses his lightsaber.

This new Star Wars was flat out TERRIBLE.  Let me run you through the basic plot.  It’s the middle of the Clone Wars, and the Republic army of clones and their Jedi commanders are fighting against the evil Count Dooku and his army of droids.  In theory, that would have been enough for me.  Simply show me a bunch of fights between storm troopers and droids, then have the Jedi and Count Dooku break out some serious ninja lightsaber skills, and I would be entertained.  Instead, they decided to center the plot on 2 things:

1. Anakin Skywalker obtains a padawan learner.  His new student Ahsoka was easily one of the worst characters in the history of the series.  She shows almost no intelligence, makes AWFUL petty teenager comments, and kicks the ass of exactly NOTHING in the entire movie.  What is the point of a Jedi other than to kick the ass of the bad guys?  She spends the vast majority of the movie getting wrecked by minor characters and struggling with things such as climbing up a wall.  She also continues to refer to Anakin as “Skyguy”. SKYGUY?!?!!  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  This is a man who choked and subsequently killed his OWN WIFE because he thought she MIGHT have gone against him.  For whatever reason, the writers didn’t elect to have him whip out his light saber and cut her whiny head off.  Maybe they could have had Anakin force crush her vocal chords.  Either way, the movie would have been a whole lot better. 

Please turn around and stab her!!

2. Count Dooku kidnaps Jabba the Hutt’s infant son.  Why is this relevant TO ANYTHING?  They came up with some convoluted plots about controlling the trade routes in the outer rim.  The two main characters, Anakin and Ahsoka, spend most of the movie toting around this little slimeball who they nickname “Stinky”.  In turn, we spent most of the movie trying not to gag ourselves while hoping that one of the Storm Troopers would whip out a blaster and shoot the little bastard.  Maybe then it would have ignited an all out war with the Hutts - now THAT would have been worth watching.     

The writers managed to select the LEAST INTERESTING plot possible.  Why not have the Sith attempt to attack the Jedi at their temple?  Why not have Anakin save Obi Wan from capture by single-handedly crushing an entire droid army in a display of force skills only possible in an animated film?  Why not have Yoda wipe out a horde of lightsaber wielding evil-doers?  It’s really not that hard.  Just have the main characters be complete badasses who wreck shop. 

You might be thinking, perhaps they can come up with a clever way to resolve an otherwise interesting plot.  However, you would be WRONG.  The last 30 minutes are spent explaining how Jabba’s Gay Uncle (yes, you read that 100% correctly) is really the mastermind behind the plot to kidnap Jabba’s son so he can take over the Hutt clan.  The writers mention that it is his uncle approximately 37 times, to keep reminding you that he is not actually a woman.  Is a gay Hutt really a necessity?  I’m all for diversity, but does a flamboyant blob really further the story in any way whatsoever?  Does anyone believe that a character this WEAKSAUCE could actually lead the powerful Hutt’s?  He doesn’t command any respect, he doesn’t show any power, and he certainly doesn’t have any sort of believable authority.  The story would have been a thousand times better if Count Dooku had organized the plot (even though it’s a crappy plot) and we had been spared the pain of Jabba’s Uncle.  Every second he was on screen detracted from the movie.    

Hompy's final thoughts:

The Good:  Anytime no one was talking.  The animated light saber fights were entertaining, although there were very few lengthy battles.  The war scenes between the droid army and the Storm Troopers were very cool.  The guy voicing Obi-Wan sounded EXACTLY like Ewan McGregor (wow, do I have to reach to find good things about this movie).

The Bad:  Just about everything else.  The dialogue (which I somehow forgot to mention before) was an ABOMINATION.  It’s like a hamster on a wheel was powering the script writing effort.  The story is so bad that Spongebob would better succeed in gaining my attention.  The crap that they attempt to pass off as a plot is seriously insulting to anyone over the age of 3. 

The Grade:  D+

(I’d probably rank it an F- if it was anything other than Star Wars.)   

Don’t let this SWEET trailer deceive you.  Clone Wars is complete junk.

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