Written by Dave Homsher on Monday, 25 August 2008 Category:Random Hits:1799

Moving sucks.  It’s a hassle, nothing ever goes smoothly, and it is most successful at making me bitter.  If you are moving in the near future, here’s a list of some of the things that you can look forward to. 

1. Coin-operated laundry – Let’s just say this isn’t an aspect of college that I miss even a little.  Having a washer and dryer in my place is a luxury that I never intend to go without ever again.  I’ve got to go downstairs, walk outside, and then head back into this small room in order to do laundry.  There are only 2 washers and 2 dryers, which are usually unavailable.  It costs me $2.75 to do a single load, and the units are so small, that a basket full of clothes takes at least 3 loads to wash.  So, I drop about 9 dollars and 4 hours of my time in order to have a few pairs of clean underwear.  Not only do I need to invest half of my day and take out a loan to afford clean clothes, but I need to keep an eye out so that the Steve Buscemi look-alike next door doesn’t run off with my wife’s skivvies so he can play dress up.  Never again.     

My sketchy neighbor is equally creepy.

2. Questionable appliances – My temporary housing is nice enough, and considering that work is paying for it, I really can’t complain too much.  However, both my refrigerator and my television consistently emit a high pitched squeal that is part Emergency Broadcast System and part Sister Susan’s nails on a chalkboard.  I worry that the two might somehow combine to hit some sort of dog-whistle resonant frequency which would either cause a swarm of locusts to attack my apartment or cause my brain to explode into a thousand pieces. 

3. Old ass TV – The TV in this place is so old, it’s a small wonder that it actually shows programs in color.  The “talkies” must have been the new hotness when this thing debuted.  As someone who is used to only watching TV on a GIGANTIC HDTV, I’m struggling to accept the tininess of the screen.  Also, the video inputs are ancient, so even though I thought to bring both my Wii and my Xbox 360 with me, I can’t hook up EITHER to the television since all I have for them are component cables.    

The new hotness.

4. DVD player - The TV might well be older than I am, but the temporary housing does come with one 21st century amenity, a DVD player!  Even though, I’d NEVER want to see anything really worth watching on this tiny TV, I decided to check out Afro Samurai (weird yet sweet action-anime deal starring Samuel L. Jackson).  However, it was a whole lot more difficult than you might expect.  I think the universal remote control was programmed by a drunken monkey after a handle of JD.  The “Play” button puts the movie into slow motion.  The “Stop” button brings you to the TV menu screen so you can adjust the contrast and brightness.  The number 8 resets the DVD to the title screen.  The number 4 fast forwards the movie.  I tried each and every button, and not a single button on the remote ACTUALLY PLAYS THE EFFING MOVIE!! 

5. No address – Although I really don’t give a rat’s ass whether or not I have an address, you would be surprised what a hassle it is not having one.  I need to get new benefits from work, but I can’t make the change until I have a new address.  People try and send us mail, but there’s nowhere to deliver it.  I tried to sign up for a new gym, but I can’t complete the address portion of the form.  I can’t get a new driver’s license.  I can’t get a new bank account.  I’d say the odds of me trying to “live off the grid” John Connor style the rest of my life aren’t very high.    

6. Temporary Housing – Well, the problem with it is self explanatory – it’s temporary.  It makes you feel like you can relax, but you can’t.  You’ve got to spend just about every waking moment trying to find more permanent living accommodations.  There’s got to be a whole lot of really awful renters out there with serious credit issues and even more serious style of living issues.  We are easily the most beloved potential renters of all time.  All of the owners are like “Wait a sec – You have good credit?  You don’t want to bring enormous animals into our house?  You don’t have any kids who will destroy the place? When can you move in?”  As much as this is a good problem to have, we are getting BOMBARDED with emails and phone calls from just about every available apartment in South Jersey.  STOP CALLING US!!  WE DON’T WANT TO LIVE IN YOUR SHOEBOX OF AN APARTMENT THAT SMELLS LIKE AN ELEPHANT’S BUTTCRACK!!       

There’s a bunch of other crap that’s utterly horrific about moving, but I’ve already run out of patience just talking about these six.  Hopefully all 12 of our readers have plans to stay put for the time being, because moving is just plain awful. 

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