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 | Written by Jim Sarruda on Tuesday, 07 October 2008
Category:Sheldon on Sports
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 I am holding the hoagie on the left
As I made my way through the sea of red and white, I remembered the words of my father.
“Didn’t you just eat?”
The fact of the matter was I did just that. I ate chicken croquettes at a diner a few hours before, to supplement a bowl of cheesy French Onion soup. But that was old news. That was in the past. All I cared about then was what the future would hold. I wondered what would happen that night, if I would remember it forever. I imagined it would be historic. It was at that moment, the crowd dispersed and before me the evening sunset reflected off the familiar sign reading “Tony Lukes.”
I waited patiently at Citizen’s Bank Park for a roast pork sandwich with provolone. But little did I know, that as I made my way back to my seat I had in my possession the most devastating weapon a playoff opponent could ever imagine. Imagine Curt Schilling’s sock but without the ketchup.
I was very fortunate that night. Our seats were directly on top of the Milwaukee Brewers’ dugout. My plan was to wait a bit before I had my second dinner. I was a little stuffed after all.
Brett Myers struggled in the first inning. He loaded the bases and a Brewer made it to home plate. A double play saved the inning and it was time for C.C. Sabathia to take the mound.
Cut to the Brewers dugout.
J.J. Hardy -
Are you ready to go big guy?
Sabathia -
Just about, do I have any ice cream still on my face?
J.J. Hardy -
No, I think you got it.
Sabathia -
Sweet, where’s my glove?
J.J. Hardy -
I think it’s where you left it, in the pizza box over by Prince.
Sabathia -
Oh there it is, alright guys, let’s do this thing.
The great C.C. Sabathia then trudges out to the pitcher’s mound as he is filmed by the high definition video cameras of ESPN, TBS, and National Geographic. Several minutes later, when the large man is halfway to the mound he whirls around rapidly to face the crowd.
Sabathia -
What’s that smell?
Bill Hall -
It’s probably nothing. What is it boy?
Sabathia -
I smell pork, I think.
J.J. Hardy –
It’s probably the sausage on the pizza, don’t worry about it.
Sabathia -
No, it can’t be. Remember? Prince ate all the peppers off the pizza, there was no sausage.
J.J. Hardy -
Oh yeah.
Sabathia -
Wait, that fan has a Cheese steak it looks like!
And that’s when he noticed me. CC Sabathia noticed the Phillies secret weapon: Jim Sarruda’s Pork hoagie.
 Tony Lukes Goodness
It was evident Sabathia could not concentrate that inning. Shane Victorino hit a double in the first inning and proceeded to steal third. I waved the hoagie the entire inning as the large pitcher’s anxiety became more and more obvious. Unfortunately, the Phillies squandered the opportunity and the ace pitcher finished the inning without giving up a single run. Never underestimate the source of a fat man’s greatest weakness—food.
It was like I held in my hand a type of baseball kryptonite. The 290 lb Sabathia who struck out 43 in September while only giving up 10 runs, could not resist the smell of grease on a brisk fall night.
Sarruda -
Fatty want a hoagie? Comon…. You know you do!
Sabathia -
God I wish he would stop. Is he still waving it? Yes. <sigh> Don’t let him see you. <wipes hat> Alright. Here we go. Fast ball to Myers….
Umpire -
Ball four!
The crowd erupts. Myers takes a 9 pitch walk to first base. I look down at my sandwich and realize it is more than just a sandwich. It is the greatest weapon against a fat man with no restraint. It was then, I realized I could not eat the sandwich until the Phillies had won the game.
The call of the sandwich was just too much for Sabathia. All he could think about was cheese and grease as he proceeded to walk Jimmy Rollins.
Then it was up to Shane Victorino.
 Top 5 sports moments of my life
I turned to Dave and raised the hoagie high into the air. At that moment, lightning struck the hoagie. Fireworks shot into left field and the hoagie began to glow. Sabathia’s mouth gaped open wide, as he could not think about anything else. Every fan in the neighboring rows to my seat began chanting for the sandwich.
They chanted, “HOA-GIE!”
“HOA-GIE!”
“HOA-GIE!”
Sabathia cried as he wiped the sweat from the brim of his hat. He then threw the pitch that I will remember for the rest of my life. It was high and inside and Victorino extirpated it over the left field fence with the bases loaded.
It was a Grand Slam.
Was Shane Victorino that great?
Or did my pork sandwhich destract another hungry fat man.
You decide.
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By:Jim Sarruda
Category:Sheldon on Sports
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