Written by Dave Homsher on Monday, 22 December 2008 Category:Random Hits:7772

My day began like any other day.  I woke up, hit the snooze several times, shaved, showered, and got dressed.  Then I went downstairs, poured myself a glass of orange juice, and began making myself a sandwich for lunch.  My wife was kind enough to make a special run to the store for me yesterday to pick me up some incredibly delicious WAWA rolls. So I made my turkey and cheese sandwich, wrapped it in aluminum foil, and headed to work.  (Side note – this is a special trick I learned a long time ago.  Wrapping sandwiches in plastic wrap or putting them in Ziploc bags occasionally leads to soggy sandwiches, especially if they are next to something cold like a soda can or ice pack.  You NEVER get soggy sandwiches with aluminum foil.)

Once I arrived at the office, I deposited my sandwich in the fridge down the hall, just like many of my co-workers.  You probably have a similar break area in your office.  There’s a small room just down the hall with refrigerators available for anyone’s use, vending machines, a coffee maker, and microwaves.  Just about everyone uses it, so you feel like your food is safe.  You stop by, drop off your stuff, and swing by later on to eat.  This routine is nothing new for me.  Whenever I bring my lunch, I always store I in the fridge, then return a few hours later when I get hungry. 

Well, as you might have guessed, today’s routine did not go exactly to plan, or else I wouldn’t be wasting your time with this story.  At 11 AM, I was STARVING, and I decided that after my teleconference, I would immediately run down the hall and grab my lunch.  Of course, my half hour phone call went on for an hour and a half of mind-numbingly boring discussion related to processes and procedures.  By now, this wasn’t your normal level of hungry.  This was more like CC Sabathia when he saw Jim Sarruda’s infamous cheesesteak.  This was an uncontrollable, primal urge to fill my stomach with deliciousness.  When the phone call mercifully ended, I sped down the hall like a bat out of hell and excitedly opened the fridge.  It was then I discovered the truth, the cold hearted, unforgiving, downright upsetting truth – SOMEONE STOLE MY FREAKING SANDWICH!!!

I couldn’t believe it.  It didn’t make sense.  Perhaps it was simply misplaced or had to be moved in order to get at some hard to reach item behind it.  I looked on the other shelves – nothing.  I looked in the 2nd fridge – nothing.  I even checked the trash can – nothing.  No, someone actually STOLE my lunch.  WHO DOES THAT?  Seriously, who opens up a community fridge, looks around at the assorted items, then elects to eat something that isn’t theirs?  Besides the moral implications of being nothing more than a human piece of garbage, don’t you think of the health concerns?  I made that sandwich with my bare hands this morning.  If I had less stellar hygiene you could have contracted some seriously disgusting disease the second my food touched your thieving tongue.  Even if you knew I had cleaned my hands, do you REALLY want to put my entire hand into your mouth?  Because, basically, that’s what you just did.  Do you normally run around the office tasting other people’s hands to test out their flavorful goodness?  More than anything I wanted Terry Tate to pop out and enforce the unwritten office code of conduct like he did to this other food thief:

It’s not like someone made an honest mistake.  Suppose a person packed their sandwich in the same fashion as I did and took mine by mistake.  In that case, shouldn’t I have found a similarly sized ham sandwich near where my turkey sandwich was located?  It’s not like I work at a retail business where they are switching in new employees all the time.  Certainly, with the nature of low-wage jobs you’ll occasionally stumble upon some scumbags who weren’t properly screened out before their hiring.  No, I work at a reputable engineering firm.  Even though the employees don’t exactly have Scrooge McDuck money bins, everyone earns a solid, steady paycheck.  The economy blows right now, but that’s no excuse for YOINKING a sandwich that’s not yours.  Buy your own lunch.  Bring your own lunch.  DON’T STEAL MY EFFING SANDWICH!!!! 

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