 | Written by Jim Sarruda on Wednesday, 16 January 2008
Category:Abridged Scripts
Hits:44339 |
INT. TOM RIDDLE's House
Lightning strikes and it begins to rain. Little does the audience know the rain and lightning will now continue for 2 hours.
FRANK BRYCE - I'm the old man from the books. Off to die I go.
FRANK BRYCE walks in to a house, sees two men and a Snake and is killed.
EXT. A place that looks nothing like the Burrow and is in another location
DANIEL RADCLIFFE - <gritting teeth> Ouch my scar!
EMMA WATSON - Hurry we have to move the plot!
RUPERT GRINT - Bloody Hell, I look like I'm 20.
The three go to a hill and meet a blonde kid and his father. They all grab a shoe. This transports them to what appears to be a Wizard Football Game.
CORNELIUS FUDGE - And now for player introductions! Viktor Krum!
All Cheer. Suddenly the match ends. We don't know who wins. Chaos breaks loose. Harry is knocked unconscious for about 45 seconds.
AUDIENCE - What's going on?
BARTY CROUCH - I'm here to answer questions. Someone sent up
Voldemort's sign and those were his followers.
It's your fault, I guess! <points wand at Harry>
RUPERT GRINT - Bloody Hell.
INT. Hogwarts University, still raining
MICHAEL GAMBON - This year we will have a Triwizard touranament,
kinda like the Wizard Olympics. Everybody will
put their names in this Goblet of Fire, but we will
probably pick the blonde kid from the beginning
we met for no other reason, the Athletic guy
everyone loves, and a hot blonde chick.
Harry Potter will be involved as you all
know because you are not incompetant.
Oh and here is our new teacher .....
RUPERT GRINT - <INTERUPTS> Bloody Hell, Mad Eye Moody STRAP ON EYE MOODY - I'm suspicious in every way and appear to
be a Wizard Alcoholic.
Everyone leaves. Fred and George do something funny. Champions are announced.
RUPERT GRINT - Bloody Hell, I hate you DANIEL.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE - <gritting teeth> I want our friendship
bracelet back.
EXT. DEFENSE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS CLASS
STRAP ON EYE MOODY - Avada Kedavra is how you kill someone.
INT. FIRST TASK - THE DRAGON
AUDIENCE - I'm confused. Who was that bad guy from the
beginning? Who is this annoying reporter and
why is she in the movie? Why does Michael
Gambon look like a Hippie?
DIRECTOR MIKE NEWELL - shhh Dragon!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE - <gritting teeth> Crap, what do I do.
EMMA WATSON - Try your wand DANIEL! You are a
wizard and you were obviously told
about a spell that summons things
like your broom.
A twenty minute dragon scene follows. The audience is overwhelmed with CGI and pointless suspense. Daniel wins. Rupert forgives Daniel.
INT. Same Room every Hogwarts scene is shot in.
MAGGIE SMITH - We're going to have a wizard dance.
MIKE NEWELL - Watch me exploit awkward situations
to the point where it's repetitive and
annoying.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE - <gritting teeth> I love Cho Chang. AUDIENCE- Awwwww EMMA WATSON - Do you want to ask me something Ron?
FRED - Go On Ron
GEORGE - Why Don't You
FRED - Ask her to...
BOTH - The dance!
RUPERT GRINT - Bloody hell, Wicked, Bloody Hell, Wicked
They go to the dance, which is filmed in the same room again but this time with snow. DANIEL AND RUPERT bring what are supposed to be twins as their dates, but are clearly not. Everyone but RUPERT and DANIEL has fun, but EMMA eventually ends up crying.
MIKE NEWELL - I love teenage drama.
AUDIENCE - Why is hard rock playing?
EXT. Bubble filled Bathtub.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE - <gritting teeth> What do I do.
MOANING MYRTLE - Dip your egg in the water, hot stuff.
AUDIENCE - WOW. This is excruciatingly awkward.
INT. SECOND TASK - THE LAKE
DANIEL jumps into the lake to find "the thing he treasures the most."
DANIEL sees EMMA, RUPERT, and an EXTRA floating at the bottom to the lake and swims to RUPERT.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE - <gritting teeth> I guess we're real good
friends....wow, FLEUR, don't get the wrong idea.
He tries to save everyone and eventually succeeds.
MICHAEL GAMBON - And the winnner is...DANIEL! Even though
he lost, he still wins, don't ask questions.
Audience that didn't read the books - Wait..what?
MIKE NEWELL - Weeee!
EXT. A GIANT MAZE
MICHAEL GAMBON - And now you will enter a maze which consists
of nothing but vines and heavy winds. Wear a
jacket and learn a spell to deal with Vines and
you should be fine. "Reducto," I think it is.
After the marching band plays, the four champions enter the maze. DANIEL and the blonde kid from the beginning win.
INT. THE GRAVEYARD FROM THE BEGINNING
MIKE NEWELL - See, I made it so you know something
bad is going to happen now.
AUDIENCE - What do you mean by now?
WORMTAIL - Avada Kedavra!
The blonde kid from the beginning dies.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE - <gritting teeth> NOO!
Voldemort comes in the form of a bald Ralph Fiennes wearing a cape. He suddenly starts prancing around like the tooth fairy and he can't control the pitches of his voice.
 Is this a High Five?
RALPH FIENNES - Death Eaters...ASSEMBLE!
They come.
RALPH FIENNES - Watch me kill Dan!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE - <gritting teeth> EXPELLIARMUS!
RALPH FIENNES - Avada Kedavra!
The spells mesh and a giant light erupts around the graveyard. The ghosts of the old guy from the beginning, the blonde kid from the beginning, and two extras that we guess to be Harry's parents appear. DANIEL ESCAPES.
RALPH FIENNES - Curses!
AUDIENCE - What in the name of God is going on?
MICHAEL GAMBON - Priori Incantatum
AUDIENCE - What?
MIKE NEWELL - The irony of this situation is, you have to
read the books to understand my movie,
but if you do, you will be annoyed with me
and my movie. Hahahaha!
MICHAEL GAMBON - The blonde kid from the beginning was a real
nice kid. We sure do miss him.
EMMA WATSON - Everything's going to change now isn't it?
RUPERT GRINT - Wicked.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE - <gritting teeth>
END
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By:Jim Sarruda
Category:Abridged Scripts
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Bloody Hell. Those kids are great.
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