Written by Dipul Patel on Saturday, 02 February 2008 Category:Random Rants Hits:3715

In today’s society, we are surrounded by morons, serving morons.That’s right folks; the average consumer is a complete and utter idiot, allowing a slightly less idiotic employee to work in retail.  Think of it as Harry serving Lloyd.

Let's Buy a TV Lloyd!

I used to work at Circuit City when it was a commission sales force.  That means, I actually needed to know what a MOSFET was because the fancy head units had MOSFETs in them.  I knew difference between RMS output and peak output. 

How many times have you been force fed by some no talent ass-clown that monster cable really makes a difference? I’ll be honest, I used to spew that garbage too, but I WAS ON COMMISSION.  That means I stood to make more by selling you a high definition, low capacitance, inductively coupled monster cable.  These days, what is the motivation for selling me a 80 dollar HDMI cable? I’ll tell you what, they are morons listening to the higher ups at those retail stores to turn a higher profit. 

Do you realize that you are buying a TV, or sound system which could cost you into the thousands from someone making 8 bucks an hour? Do you realize the unbelievable level of stupidity that shows? It’s like buying a condo in Manhattan from Tyrone Biggums, the crack head.

He is going to sell you a condo.

Ugh, I Can't Stand it.

Monster Cable is Better!

Needless to say, I buy the player, use it for a week and return it once my HTPC is built.


Fast forward to January 27th, 2008.  My buddy Dave, his wife and my brother Jamel decide they want new laptops.  They want them fast too, and don’t feel like waiting.  So, we scour the internet and find a decent deal.  Wow, circuit city has a good laptop, with great features for 499.99!

Now I want you all to take a deep breath, and just prepare yourself for what might be the most bizarre and idiotic chain of events in recent history. 

We walk in at 11 am on Sunday.  11 am because this laptop will sell out, and we wanted to make sure we could get them.  So four of us walk into the store, and Dave’s wife goes to return something.  We walk to the computer section, and ask this employee, to get three of them for us. We will call this employee, CokeHeadMoron, or CHM.  So I ask CHM for three of these laptops, and he says nothing. He stares at me like a Sony Playstation loading a damn disk. He says to me, “the limit is one per person, so I have to ask my manager if you can buy three.” 

I look at Dave and Jamel, and nearly just bust out laughing.  So I say to CHM, “one is for me, one is for my friend Dave here, and the other for Jamel.”  Again, he stares at me and says, “okay, but I have to ask my manager anyway.” Rather than argue with this kid, we let him go about his merry way to ask the manager. 

Short aside, a kid who looks just like Dwayne Wade decides to ask the three of us if we want to buy a Verizon Air Card.  We haven’t even purchased the laptops yet, and Dwayne is asking us if we want peripherals.   This was his pitch!

I Moonlight for Verizon

Dwayne: “How do you guys get online, do you use wireless”
Us: “uhh, sure pal”
Dwayne: “YOU SHOULD BUY AN AIRCARD!!!”
Us: “No thanks”
Dwayne: “but you can get online anywhere!!”

(Do people fall for this crap?)

So, CHM comes back and informs me that the only laptops they have, are all Firedog optimized. 

For those of you who don’t know, Firedog is circuit city’s equivalent of the Geeksquad.  They are the group of people who fix your machine, for 150 bucks, because you were browsing the internet for porn and you don’t want your spouse knowing it.

We'll Optimize Your Laptop!!

Well, I ask, what does Firedog optimized mean?

CHM: “They remove stuff form your desktop, and make your laptop run faster!”

Wow… so If I buy a laptop from the factory, its preconfigured to run like crap, and I need FireDog to fix it?

I'd rather have Scrappy take a whiz on my laptop.

Of course, this comes at a fee, of 40 bucks.  Now, this laptop is still a bargain at 539.99, but I won’t let my friends buy this crap on principle.  So I try to reason with CHM.

Me: So, every single laptop in here, is Firedog Optimized?
CHM: Yes.
Me: So why do you advertise this laptop for a lower price than you can give me?
CHM: Well Firedog Laptops are better!
Me: Can you check other stores, to see if they have any laptops which aren’t Firedog Optimized?
CHM: Actually, they all are.  My manager just told me.
Me: Please, let me speak to your manager.

Meanwhile, Dave’s wife Michelle brings over Paul another Circuit City Employee.  Paul looks and acts like Anthony Andersen.  He is tries to naturally be our buddy, and is smart in comparison (But then, a chimpanzee flinging poop is smart im comparison).  He confirms that CHM is indeed a cokehead, and has no idea what he’s doing. He also says that they don’t have any laptops which aren’t Firedog Optimized, but a neighboring town does.  So I tell him, sign me up for 3 at a different store, and I’ll go pick them up. Then I ask him, why do they “optimize” all of these laptops? His answer, “profit margin man, its all about the numbers”. 

No wonder No one shops at circuit city, and why Best Buy is killing the market.

Yes, this scares me too.

At this point, CHM returns to me and says, they miraculously found three laptops without firedog optimization. Wow, what a stroke of luck!!!!  Not really, how many people would just buy this Firedog optimized crap? Think about it, they tell you the laptop is faster, the desktop is cleaned up! Wahoo!

Please people, educate yourselves a little bit, so these retailers can stop taking advantage of you. Lets try and make these retailers hire COMPETENT people!!!

Or, just send me the cash you would normally spend on this crap, and I’ll send my pal Liu Kang to bicycle kick you.

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• Renewal of Faith -07/02/2008

• Darwin is Losing -03/12/2008
• Stop Whining about Gas Prices -02/27/2008
• Loyalty is Useless -02/19/2008
• XM/Sirius Merger - WTF? -02/13/2008
• Learn to Drive Please -02/06/2008

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