 | Written by Jim Sarruda on Wednesday, 06 February 2008
Category:Random_Sarruda
Hits:4614 |
Ladies and Gents, welcome to the first ever edition of Weaksauce Wednesdays, I am your host--Sheldon. After two long stressful days of work, all of us hard working breadwinners are still two very long days from Friday. Yes, Wednesday is an incredibly difficult workday.
In attempt to give the casual internet surfer one more thing to look forward to on a biweekly basis, I have decided that every other Wednesday I will take a look at the current headlines as well as anything else I deem relevant, and select a candidate or candidates who should be awarded the crown of "weaksauce."
Weaksauce is so interesting of a word, that it is not even a word at all.
What does it mean you ask?
Well, what better example then the 2007-2008 New England Patriots. There is nothing more Weaksauce then their performance every game leading up to the Super Bowl, dating back to November 25, 2007 against my very own, Philadelphia Eagles. I have never been more disgusted with an unmotivated, surplus of talent since this year's North Carolina Tar Heels.
The Fake-triots were like the stereotypical fat, cowardly, middle-school bully when they played the Philadelphia Eagles. The high powered New England offense hibernated in the third quarter and allowed the Eagles to sneak ahead with an 80 yd touchdown drive. In fact, if it weren't for the despicable play of A.J. Feely down the stretch, the Patriots might not have noticed they lost. The Patriots were showing the initial signs of becoming Weaksauce, as they appeared stale and lacked flavor. Speaking of stale, A.J. Feeley, commented after the contest, "I went into the game expecting the unexpected." Good work.
Next, the Patriots headed to Baltimore to face the Ravens. They escaped with a three point win, however, somebody spilled controversy all over the field in the last five minutes. As Tom Brady appeared hungover, instead it was Kyle "Fiesta" Boller making the clutch throws. For a QB that has put up no less then 34 points for the first eight games of the season, Tom Brady's measly ten points at the half was about as impressive as a paperclip.
 Not Very Impressive
Luckily, the officials had money on the game. The game winning drive required two fourth down conversions and a defensive holding penalty that probably caused several fires in Baltimore. Brady himself admitted, "A lot of questionable calls and we made some plays." What he meant was, "Jabar Gaffney made a spectacular catch that should have never happened." The Patriots improved to 12-0, but I was already having doubts as their Weaksauce record improved to 2-0.
 We can't believe it either, Ray
The Patriots would then travel to Pittsburg, to face a difficult Steelers team plagued by injuries. Luckily, Anthony Smith, spokesperson for the Congregate of Retarded Athletic Persons (C.R.A.P) made a statement before the game. Anthony Smith guaranteed that the Pittsburg Steelers would defeat the undefeated Patriots. That Patriots, who now could not get any more smug, decided to do their talking on the field.
 Anthony Smith getting burnt
The Patriots would destroy the Pittsburg Steelers as Anthony Smith would be embarrassed on two long scoring throws. Arguably, if Anthony Smith's mouth remained closed, the Patriots would have played like the usual unmotivated bunch of smurfs. Patriots resident Florida Gator Jabar Gaffney commented after the game, "We took the guarantee as a challenge." No you didn't! You capitalized on the overconfidence of another arrogant football team. In fact, your arrogance would later lose you the Super Bowl.
In my opinion, the Patriots last three games were total homosexual debauchery.
 Randy Orton and friends
Against the Jets, the Master-batriots proceeded to run around aimlessly in the snow like they were searching for the little red flag from family double dare. It's been a while since I saw a team believe that it was their birthright to get a pass interference call anytime a pass fell incomplete. Tom Brady again appeared to be hurting from a long night of erotic conquests in Manhattan. Randy Moss played like he didn't want to get his expensive jersey dirty in a game against the likes of the Jets. Chad Pennington played like Chad Pennington, and in the end the Patriots captured the victory. In fact, they could have played a double header that day because the Jets wouldn't have discovered the end zone for another four quarters if it weren't for that blocked punt.
Against the Dolphins, the Gaytriots did not even need to show up for the second half. They opened up a 28-7 lead on the Terry Schiavo of the NFL before halftime. I'm glad I chose to watch "A Haunting in Georgia" on the discovery channel over that game.
And finally, against the New York football Giants, the Over-Ratriots would overcome a 12 point deficit in the third quarter to defeat evil Ganon, Tom Coughlin. I credit this win to my hypothesis that deep down inside, the New York Giants were preparing for a spectacular yet obnoxious playoff run.
 The Evil Tom Coughlin
 The Evil Ganon
Speaking of the playoffs, the Humili-atriots would face the Jacksonville Jaguars and the San Diego Chargers on the road to the Super Bowl. In two games won by screen passes and the lack of LaDainian Tomlinson, they found themselves on their way to Arizona. They carried with them an undefeated record of 18-0, as well as a nauseating sense of confidence. They prepared to face the New York Giants, as a team well acclimated to the Super Bowl. They defeated New York in the regular season, and they reassured themselves the Super Bowl would be no different. They also relished in the idea of being the first undefeated team since the 1972 Dolphins to win a Super Bowl. Randy Moss himself said, " Once we start getting prepared for Sunday's game, I think the pride and what can possibly happen will play a factor."
Well, it did play a factor. The overconfident turd-sandwiches put up an extremely weaksauce 7 points at the half. Seven points! This season the Patriots set an NFL record by scoring 589 points! Tom Brady's 50 touchdown passes broke Peyton Manning's NFL record! Even Randy Moss broke Jerry Rice's NFL record with 23 TD catches. You mean to tell me that the most exciting offensive powerhouse that I have ever seen in my entire life of watching the NFL could only scrounge together one touchdown by the half? Not to mention, it was set up by an interference call! GO SCREW! Nobody's defense is that relentless! Stack up and put a jersey on!
Plaxico Burress said before the game that he predicted the final score would be 23-17. A laughing Tom Brady joked, "We're only going to score 17 points? OK, is Plax playing defense?"
Well, Plax may not have intercepted any passes Tom, but it seems he gave you too much credit! See that steaming pile on the fifty yard line?
That is the Weaksauce New England Patriots.
Remember when Keith Van Horn scored two points in a playoff game versus the Pistons?
That is the Weaksauce New England Patriots.
Remember when All-American Jamal Tinsley missed the layup at the buzzer and #2 seed Iowa State lost in the first round?
That is the Weaksauce New England Patriots.
Remember when Sega CD came out?
That is the Weaksauce New England Patriots.
Did you ever get one of those Buffalo wings that was all skin and you couldn't take your eyes off the jagged, broken bone sticking out?
That is the Weaksauce New England Patriots.
The Weaksauce New England Waste-riots squandered a golden opportunity. They had one of the most talented teams I have ever seen and at the beginning of the season, and I thought they might have been the best football team in the history of the NFL. In the end, they couldn't even beat Eli Manning.
And Randy Moss, you finally got your chance to play in the Super Bowl.
But when the confetti fell, it was David Tyree who was money.
"Straight Cash Homie."
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By:Jim Sarruda
Category:Random_Sarruda
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