Written by Dipul Patel on Wednesday, 06 February 2008 Category:Random Rants Hits:2856

My commute is roughly 30-40 minutes each way a day.  I normally don't mind, its a great way to relax and change from "home-mode" to "work-mode." The problem is, my moment of zen is often interrupted by a plethora of idiots operating motor vehicles. This is a list of 6 things that just "drive (hahahaha PUN!) me up a wall".

1)    Minivans
People who drive minivans automatically become bad drivers.  I don’t know what it is about a minivan, but as soon as you start to drive one, it must just suck you into a vacuum.  People become oblivious in minivans, pay no attention to the road, and seem to follow rules of their own.   I don’t think this is a fault of the person, I think it’s a property of a minivan.  Buy a minivan, you get 2 dvd screens, 7 zone AC, 200 cup holders and a cocoon to sit in and drive like a compete hammer.

Durrr, Watch me Park!

Why is it, that if a minivan is following a car, say both at 60 MPH, does the driver feel he/she has to move over take an empty lane? So now I have 2 cars, going the exact same speed, on two different lanes.  This takes away my passing lane, and most importantly, its UNSAFE.  When two cars are driving next to each other, they give each other no room to move out of that lane in the case of an emergency.  And of course, this is in a 65 mph zone. The beauty is, when you finally drive next to them, they are completely oblivious, and seemingly in a world of their own.  Oh, and they are almost always multitasking.

This is the ONLY time that driving the same speed on two lanes is allowed

God, minivan drivers are utterly useless.  78.2% of traffic jams, accidents and general traffic mayhem is caused by a minivan, either directly or indirectly.  Don’t believe me? That’s fine, just keep an eye out from now on, you’ll find that I am right. 

A minivan caused this

There are the few decent minivan drivers, seriously.  Even I will admit that once in a while, I’ll find myself observing a minivan driver who actually knows what they’re doing.  The problem is, I worry that I may get so mezmorized that I’ll cause an accident.  It’s like observing Britney Spears do something that is actually intelligent.  My brain cant process the thought.  I fear for my safety.

2)    Multitasking
There is absolutely no reason to do anything else in the car, but drive.  Do you realize that you’re moving at an obscene speed, when things can change in the blink of an eye?  What if you’re on the highway, driving along at 60, and decide to organize your CD collection.  You take your eyes off the road for 5 seconds, and you don’t see some minivan in front of you cut into your lane and hit the brakes.  Guess what jackass, you rear ended it, and you’re at fault! Fantastic! Don’t get me wrong, I take my eyes of the road too, but I’m aware of what’s going on. 

Now, I am not saying I’m a sissy on the road.  I like to drive fast, but the thing is, when I’m driving, that’s all I’m doing.  I am paying attention to the road, and I have a terrible case of ADD.  Look a peanut butter cup. Aren’t peanut butter cups delicious?? So are girl scout cookies! 

I was driving the other day, and saw some idiot in a car, text messaging.  Yes, actually typing a text while in the car. WHAT? WHY?  What is so damn important that it cant wait for 5 minutes? (More on this a little later).

There is no reason to eat while driving, expecially not a cheese burger, with fries and a soda.  NOT NECESSARY.

Look Ma! No Hands!

There is no reason to do your makeup or hair while driving. Honestly, no one cares. If your makeup/hair is that important to you, do it at home. Ive actually seen someone doing their nails… not filing them, but painting them on the road.

I Hope This Doesn't Run When I Rear End That Schoolbus

There is no reason to yell at your kids while moving. Wanna yell at your kids? Go right ahead. Hell, smack em if you feel right. I have no kids so I can’t comment on how to raise them. But when you take your eyes off the road because little Johnny is asking you to play Barney one more time, you’re the moron.  Little Johnny doesn’t know what’s going on. Wanna reem out your kids, either do it while facing straight or pull over!

3)    Smokers
I won’t get into second hand smoke, and how I get to enjoy your disgusting habit with you, and damage my own lungs.  That’s a whole different story all together.

What I will say is, STOP THROWING THE DAMN CIGARETTES OUT OF THE CAR.  You worthless douchebag’s, if you wanna smoke, not only are you gonna pollute my lungs with that garbage but now you’re gonna throw a lit cigarette out? You know what happens, that cig hits my car, maybe damages my paint, and lands on the road.  Here’s an idea, jackass, take the cigarette, shove it up your ass so you can get the nicotine fix you so desperately want. 

Damn I look Cool

I know a retired cop who almost never pulled over speeders unless they were driving like idiots.  He ALWAYS pulled over any idiot for throwing a cigarette out of the car.

I like him a lot.  He makes sense.

There is a reason your car comes standard with an ashtray.  How about you stop acting like a pig, keep the butts in your car, enjoy the stink, and clean up your own mess. 


4)    Cell Phone Use
This ties into the multitasking part, but I feel it deserves a section on its own completely.  I could write a whole article about how people are slaves to their phones.  I couldn’t tell you how many times people answer the phone during a movie, only to say, “this is a bad time.”  Hell, Paris did it during sex.  I chuckled.

The thing is, there is no reason, you should be able to reach me 100% of the time.  If you call me, and I don’t want to talk on the phone, or im even remotely busy, I wont answer. Guess what, I can call you back! Wow, what a concept.  Remember how things used to work 10 years ago?

 

Requires no Description

This ties into the cell phone use in the car, either through voice or text messaging.  I’m gonna let you all in on a secret, you are not that important. If you are, chances are, you aren’t driving the car anyway and you probably have a secretary. There was a study done, on Dateline if I Recall, showing people who were being recorded.  When the same person was talking on the phone in a car, they broke all kinds of laws, like neglecting stop signs.  The same driver, when not on the phone, did almost none of those things. Look, when you’re engaged in a phone conversation, you are NOT PAYING ATTENTION to the road. 

Get off the damn phone, whatever it is, it can wait.  And if it cant, chances are the person will keep calling until you answer, in that case…. The news will likely be shocking (good or bad) so PULL OVER.

5)    The Left Lane is for Passing. 
It’s not a magical lane that you occupy for no reason other than getting a nice new fresh lane to muck up.  I cant tell you the number of times, I've been stuck behind a moron in the left lane going the same speed or slower than the person in the lane to the right.   Now, if everyone is speeding that’s one thing.  But 9 times out of 10, this person is not exceeding the speed limit, and sits in the left lane for no other reason than to be there.

The left lane is not Narnia, trust me, ive been there.  Its not a magical land with unicorns and ligers.  It’s a lane used to let people PASS to keep traffic MOVING. Use your head people!

Should be the 11th Commandment

6)    It's Okay to Miss an Exit or Light
How many times have you seen a car swerve at the last second to take an exit or make a turn at an intersection? I’ve actually seen people reverse on an on ramp! WHY??  What’s the big deal? Take an extra 5 minutes and go turn around. 

When is the last time you remember being 5 minutes late, and it adversely affected your life? Now, what if you swerve to make an exit and hit a pylon? Game over.  This isn’t Mario, there is no reset button. Moron.

(wow, this plane is bouncing more than Cook at a wrestling match!)

These are the things that annoy me most on the road.  This article is not meant to be nice.  If you get offended, its likely because you do the crap I mention in this article and you know it.  Don’t try to defend it, as there is likely no defense.

Lets end this post on a happy note!

This is fantastic

Liked this Article? See below for more awesomeness

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• Stop Whining about Gas Prices -02/27/2008
• Loyalty is Useless -02/19/2008
• XM/Sirius Merger - WTF? -02/13/2008

• Retail Stores are Filled with Idiots -02/02/2008

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