 | Written by Jim Sarruda on Tuesday, 19 February 2008
Category:Random_Sarruda
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Welcome to the February 20th addition of Weaksauce Wednesdays. I am your host as always--Jim, the Question.
Two weeks ago on Ash Wednesday, the 2007 New England Patriots demonstrated what it means to be completely Weaksauce. Allowing Eli Manning to lead a game winning touchdown drive inside of fifty seconds is nothing short of atrocious. Their sauce was an indeed, very weak.
That said, I would like to take Weaksauce Wednesdays in another direction. You see, there are many different ways to define Weaksauce. However, nothing truly works as well as a short story. Enjoy.
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So it's one of those days where I haven't eaten any breakfast and I'm hungry. It gets to be around 10 o’clock in the morning, and the breakfast truck comes on base. (It's like the breakfast sandwich version of the ice cream man) Well I go to the breakfast truck and instead of ordering a breakfast sandwich like every one else; I decide to broadcast my fatness to the crowd and order a meatball sandwich. The breakfast guy then looked at me like I had asked him to murder a volunteer at a children's hospital, and blurted, "Isn't it a bit early for lunch?" It's times like these, when I wish I had something more clever to say, like "Isn't it a bit early for you to forfeit your life to failure and become a goddamn breakfast truck attendant who relies on obese people to buy gallons of food so you can feed and provide for your children" and then smear my meatball sandwich all over his chin. The guy can't possibly be "well to do," so you would think he would be ecstatic that a degenerate like me came along with no self restraint and ordered a meatball sandwich and a Gatorade for five bucks at ten in the morning as a pre lunch.
I must have missed the Bill that Congress passed that states that no one must eat a lunch before noon.
I think that's a rule a fat guy must have been created to give an excuse to eat an extra meal.
 What good are the suspenders?
"Breakfast is not heavy . . .it's light food to last you to lunch. Your body can't take the heaviness of lunch so early."
The only thing that the body can't take is you wolfing down bacon cheeseburgers like they are jelly beans you whale. The worst is when a fat person actually gathers up the audacity to tell you what you should eat for breakfast. When I went on travel, this fat DISGRACE of a dude says to me, "You are eating pizza for breakfast? That's weird."
 Get in line for the dollar menu
I wanted to say, "Isn't it weird that Sea World would allow their manatees in a restaurant? Shouldn't you be making out with a harpoon?" This kid was so fat that he must wake up every morning and bury his face in a spaghetti pot full of margarine. When he laughed he sweat profusely, and smelled like McDonalds.
He still was not as bad as this fat guy I saw in Bennigan's. The guy that looked like he had a Cinnabon smushed against the back of his neck.
 What if that was your neck?
That guy was a new definition of fatness, the kind of person that probably doesn't sleep in a bedroom because it's too small. His family probably keeps him in the garage with a rain tarp draped over his head, waiting to be cleaned with a garden hose. AWFUL.
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So this Wednesday, maybe you also agree that fat people should never tell you how to eat. Enjoy the rest of your week.
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By:Jim Sarruda
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