Written by Dave Homsher on Monday, 11 February 2008 Category:Random Hits:15270

Corporate Buzzwords.  You know them.  You probably even use them from time to time at the office.  It’s OK, we’ll forgive you.  Here’s the thing though, anyone who uses these phrases sounds like an ABSOLUTE MORON each and every time.  For whatever reason, a lot of people haven’t figured this fact out yet.  Every office has got that guy who HAS TO talk for 40 minutes in every meeting, using as many buzzwords as possible.  All he does is hold everyone up from leaving and getting back to their real work.  They try to sound important, but end up failing miserably. 

You know you have one of these idiots in your office too.

The following list analyzes some of the most common examples.  It is not meant to be all inclusive.  We all know that there are MANY more possibilities.  I simply selected a few of my favorites, in the hope that we can team together to remove them from our vocabularies FOREVER. 

Phrase:  Offline
Intended Meaning:  A separate discussion to be held at a later time with only a few key team members   
Usage:  Dave, let’s take this offline and discuss after the meeting.
Why it sounds amazingly stupid:  You aren’t online if you are in a conference room talking to a bunch of suits, you are online when you are connected virtually to the internet.  You can't be OFFLINE, since you weren't ever ONLINE to begin with!

Phrase:  Action Item
Intended Meaning:  An issue that needs to be closed and it is usually assigned to a specific individual or team
Usage:  The supervisor was assigned an action item to resolve the quality issues associated with that product.       
Why it sounds amazingly stupid:  First off, it’s extremely redundant.  ACTION ITEM and ACTION mean exactly the same thing.  Second, the reason we even hear it at all is because blowhard business men like to hear themselves talk, and enjoy adding unnecessary and useless terminology to their vocabulary.  Finally, isn't the purpose of a meeting to make some sort of progress?  Why do we waste our time in a meeting, and then leave with MORE work than we came with? 

Phrase:  Low Hanging Fruit
Intended Meaning:  An opportunity to improve a process that can be very easily implemented. 
Usage:  If we simply attack our low hanging fruit, we can cut our cycle time by 10%.
Why it sounds amazingly stupid:  Does this REALLY need an explanation?  Do you know what it sounds like to hear GROWN UP PROFESSIONAL businessmen say something like “Low Hanging Fruit”?

Phrase:  Peel Back the Onion
Intended Meaning:  To take a deeper, more thorough look at something
Usage:  We need to peel back the onion if we are to get to the root cause of our failures. 
Why it sounds amazingly stupid:  What do you find when you peel an onion?  MORE ONION!  It’s really all the same thing.  It barely even has an outer layer.  It would make a lot more sense if we were peeling apples or oranges.

Phrase:  Long Pole in the Tent
Intended Meaning:  The item which has the most effect on a given schedule
Usage:  The paint process seems to be the long pole in the tent for our manufacturing cycle.
Why it sounds amazingly stupid:  I don’t see what putting up a tent has to do with schedules or time management.  When putting up tents, people are trying to shelter themselves from the elements, not trying to figure out how long it takes for something.  Also, does the long pole REALLY take any longer to install than the shorter poles?  In fact, most new tents don’t even HAVE a long pole. 

Where's the long pole?

Phrase:  Put on a Different Hat
Intended Meaning:  A person assumes another role for a very short period of time.  Occasionally the description of their other role is used in place of “different” in an effort to be more specific.
Usage:  If I put on my Engineering hat, I’d want a more robust design.
Why it sounds amazingly stupid:  Since when does changing hats have any affect on anything?  If a football player takes his helmet off, and puts on a racecar helmet, is he suddenly qualified to join NASCAR?  GUESS WHAT?  You AREN’T an engineer.  You don’t have an Engineering hat.  You CERTAINLY aren’t qualified to comment on the robustness of their designs. 

Phrase:  Logistically
Intended Meaning:  N/A
Usage:  Logistically, we need to ship that material by the 14th of the month.
Why it sounds amazingly stupid:  Logistically DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING in business!  It’s a word that people like to add to the front of their sentences to sound more intelligent.  They fail MISERABLY. 

Phrase:  Grease the Skids
Intended Meaning:  An effort to remove an impediment or otherwise speed up an unusually slow process
Usage:  My manager said he would try to grease the skids on getting the export paperwork through the system.
Why it sounds amazingly stupid:  I see a lot of skids down on the manufacturing floor, and exactly ZERO of them have any grease on them!  Why not grease the engine?  Or grease the door hinge? 

Phrase:  Don’t Put All Our Eggs in One Basket
Intended Meaning:  Hoping to avoid placing all opportunity for success on a single item
Usage:  Don’t put all of our eggs in one basket on our new computer system.  Let’s make sure the old system stays online for a while just in case. 
Why it sounds amazingly stupid:  Eggs come in A FREAKING CARTON, not a basket!! 

Phrase: Ducks in a Row
Intended Meaning:  Improved communications within a team
Usage:  If we can get all our ducks in a row, we have a great chance to meet all of our objectives.
Why it sounds amazingly stupid:  Why in the world would you use DUCKS as an example of great communication?  Have you ever been NEAR a bunch of ducks?  QUACK! QUACK! QUACK!  You can't even hear yourself THINK!  Why don't we just use ENGLISH instead of all of these meaningless phrases? 

Phrase:  Motherhood and Apple Pie
Intended Meaning:  An extremely generic item which may or may not be applicable to a specific situation
Usage:  We have a production plan, but its motherhood and apple pie, and it might not fit your needs.
Why it sounds amazingly stupid:  Why not just say generic?  It’s a perfectly legitimate word, people understand it, and it’s short and to the point.  Motherhood and apple pie simply makes me want to leave your boring meeting, and head home for Thanksgiving dinner.   

Phrase:  Timeframe
Intended Meaning:  Gives emphasis on when something will occur while generally assuming that the listeners have never before seen a calendar
Usage:  We expect to make our delivery in the July timeframe.
Why it sounds amazingly stupid:  The word timeframe adds NOTHING to that sentence.  Please go back, read it again, leave out the word timeframe, and tell me what’s different.  NOTHING!

Nn...nn...nn...not gonna accept this weaksauce crap on manrants!

The examples above should ONLY be used as jokes, and never for anything purposeful.  Please, future business leaders, do all of your future employees a favor.  SHUT UP!  Speak only when you have something important to say, and say it in a way that a normal human being can understand.  Let your employees do what you hired them to do, MAKE YOU MONEY!  Then, you'd have more time to strategically diversify, create dynamic synergy, aggressively pursue whitespace opportunities, and leverage your resources.  Afterall, corporate buzzwords are good for one thing and one thing only: Making people sound stupid.

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