Written by Jim Sarruda on Tuesday, 25 March 2008 Category:Random_Sarruda Hits:57975
It's Weaksauce Wednesday:
I’m sure you have all seen the most recent subway commercial, where various celebrities take turns congratulating Jared for his weight loss.
Then Subway takes credit.
Well let me add myself to that lengthy line of congratulations.
Congratulations Jared my friend.
No, I’m serious.
Congratulations for weighing 425 lbs in high school. Wow. I’m truly impressed. You must’ve literally waddled into McDonalds every morning five minutes after opening and demanded to dunk your head in the deep fryer. You weighed almost a quarter ton, which is literally twice as much as a baby elephant. Congratulations on having more survival instincts then a dumb endangered species. Congratulations for realizing one day that unless your heart found an auxiliary power source, it wouldn’t even be able to pump enough blood up to your nose to smell the awful stench of the cheeseburger you didn’t wash out of your belly button in the shower.
Approximately 1/2 Jared's Former Weight
Does anyone even know or care how he came to weigh as much as a baby Killer Whale? His diet compiled at least 10,000 calories a day when he was twenty years old. To put that in perspective, a big Mac is about 500 calories. Now picture your hero walking into McDonalds and eating twenty of them every day wearing an old pit-stained Simpsons sweatshirt. You know those giant “meat” normous breakfast sandwiches that Burger King sells? Those things are 1,000 calories. This unrestrained warthog could plow through five of those, and have only eaten HALF of his typical days worth of calories.
Ten of these should do it--ALMOST
So what happened was Subway Jared was actually hospitalized with a sleeping disorder called sleep apnea. To put it in gentle terms, that’s when your body forgets to breathe when you sleep—hoping you die. I guess that was a rude awakening for him. Of course, my rude awakening would have come the day I watched the Discovery channel and the walruses looked more athletic then me.
So congratulations Jared, you realized you wouldn’t live past 35 so you motivated yourself to eat at Subway every day. You had a six inch turkey sub for lunch and twice that for dinner ever day. I guess that was quite a metabolic shock for your blimp of a body, which was expecting the entire dollar menu for lunch and the nearest helpless toddler for dinner. Yes, congratulations on losing 100 lbs in three months, reducing you to a cool 330 lbs. Maybe if you walked up steps once in a while instead of using the home installed elevator, you could push it down sub three.
Tour de Pants
Guess what? That’s exactly what he did. He walked as much as he could and stuck to eating Subway. Right now he weighs 190lbs.
It really is an amazing story. I can see the headline.
“A man and his quest toward mediocrity.”
The emotional story of how a 400 lb. sasquatch stopped eating uncontrollably and walked once in a while en route to losing 240 lbs.
With all do respect to the ex-beast, this would be fine with me.
But seriously why is he a celebrity?
Despite the undeserved benefit of selling the meal of choice for this one particular fatty, the Subway company had nothing to do with Jared’s diet. They read about his feat in a Men’s Health magazine and stumbled upon our hero. In January 2000 we were first introduced to Jared and his admirable story. Here we are eight years later, and ABC is finding him in the crowd at sporting events as if he were Jack Nicholson. He has been connected to Saturday Night Live, Austin Powers, Scary Movie, the Simpsons, and even the Tour de France. One could argue his celebrity status has secured him a notable amount of respect and made him a role model.
I get it. It’s admirable. Good work. But enough is enough. He’s in our face all the time now and he is not a hero. He is not an icon. He is a MAN with WILL POWER. We should all have will power. God, you don't see me eating popcorn off the theater floor do you? That's why I'm not 500 lbs.
I am telling you right now that if Dave Homsher had me over his house for delicious wings every weekend I can get my fat self up to 500 lbs and then I can Jared-i-fy myself. Does that make me a celebrity?
Maybe I’ll choose to lose weight by playing Dance Dance Revolution. There was a recent article in USA Today about a 19 year old that weighed 350 lbs and slimmed down to 200 playing DDR. Does that make Matt Keene a celebrity? Should he be the new spokesperson for Video games?
Are they celebrities?
What a novel idea. Physical exertion in conjunction with a low fat diet equals weight loss.
Congratulations Jared, once again. I’m proud you opted to consume 8,000 less calories a day and walk around every once in a while.
And to the rest of you, stop whining about your waste line and go home and play with your Wii.
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That wells "we are better then you, because we only throw batteries" story was far more weaksauce then this Jared story.
While Jared should not be a celeb(I agree) saying you are better then everyone because you only throw batteries at someone and not car batteries is the essence of weak sauce.
But to say that we are the worst fans in the nation is complete Weaksauce. Mark Wells is completely correct when he says that Philly takes the majority of the heat, despite the fact that the whack jobs in Detroit are burning down buildings.
So what we threw batteries at J.D. Drew.
Many other cities would have done the same thing.
Yo Momma
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192.91.172.36
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2008-03-28 12:31:50
Now that's what I call a rant.
Insane
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re: Philly rules
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192.91.147.35
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2008-04-09 12:38:05
j1mbo15 wrote:
So what we threw batteries at J.D. Drew.
Many other cities would have done the same thing.
So if someone else does something idiotic it makes it ok to do it yourself.
Are all people from Philly complete idiots?
nds
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222.247.176.136
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2008-08-28 04:24:17
A maiden with many wooers often chooses the worst.All the treasures of the earth would not bring back one lost moment.
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