Written by Jim Sarruda on Tuesday, 01 April 2008 Category:Abridged Scripts Hits:17701
INT. Television Monitor
The movie opens with a full screen shot of a television. The channel appears to be broadcasting some sort of news show, discussing the development of a new type of cancer defeating medicine.
Television Monitor
Imagine if we could cure cancer by discretely isolating a series of malicious enzymes and controlling them with common viruses such as measles, for example.
Audience
I have no idea what that means but it sounds cool!
INT. New York City - desolate
Will Smith and his German Shepherd are wandering the streets of New York City. It appears he is the last man on earth. Manhattan is eerily silent and the peculiar growth of grass and trees in Time Square suggests it has been empty for a long time.
Over the next thirty minutes, the entire trailer for this movie is revealed. Will Smith spends this time hunting animals, which appears to be ridiculously easy considering he has a scope and there are plenty of deer and gazelle with no where to hide in downtown Manhattan.
Will Smith
<looking at his watch> I guess I’ll go home and move the plot.
INT. Will Smith’s House
Will Smith talks to his dog repeatedly about nothing important as the audience starts to wonder when something is going to happen. Randomly, the alarm on his watch goes off.
Will Smith
Well, it is going to get dark soon. Time to lock down my house. Since I have no supporting cast, I will redundantly announce everything I am about to do.
Disturbing and uncomfortable
A ridiculous lock-down montage ensues. Will Smith appears to be preparing for an Armageddon as he has every entrance into his house sealed with what appears to be steel. He then sleeps in the bath tub with his dog and a rifle. Screams are heard in the distance. The whole situation is kind of interesting and frightening, until Will Smith has his first flashback.
INT. Will Smith’s Flashback
Manhattan is filled with people again. The city is in disarray and police are everywhere. The presence of a police helicopter symbolizes chaos.
Will Smith
You both have to get in the chopper and leave here before you become infected!
Will Smith’s Wife
We can’t leave you!
Will Smith
I created this mess and I am not leaving here until I clean it up!
INT. Desolate Manhatten
The flashback ends abruptly and we are back in the deserted New York City. Will Smith walks around talking to mannequins that he clearly set up for companionship. This reminds the audience of Al Gore.
Represents almost half the movie
Will Smith
I am not leaving New York City until I find a cure for this virus that I unleashed upon the public. I caused this, so I will fix it!
Audience
Well, so far you have spent the last two days wandering the streets talking to mannequins, singing Bob Marley, watching Shrek, and now recently hitting golf balls off a battleship. How many years has this been your lifestyle since your flashback?
Will Smith
1,001 Days.
Audience
How legendary.
INT. Will Smith’s Laboratory
Will Smith injects digital zombie rats with numerous vaccines and nothing happens. He appears to be frustrated with this because he’s obviously made no progress for years.
Will Smith
Specimen number 1-2-4-7-5-4 infected with digital zombie virus. Specimen number 1-2-4-7-5-4 injected with hypoglycotheramine. Specimen died of boredom.
Will Smith proceeds to throw a temper tantrum and goes back to hitting golf balls and yelling at his German Shepherd.
Rare time spent on the cure
INT. Desolate Manhattan
Will Smith
Rather then continue to work on my vaccines, I think today I will continue to whistle Bob Marley music while I hunt some more gazelle with my gigantic rifle.
Will Smith drives along and sees one of his mannequins out of place. He shoots it with his rifle. He pointlessly yells obscenities at the mannequin and then proceeds to get caught in a random trap and passes out.
Audience
Does anyone find it ironic that Will Smith appears to have been outsmarted and trapped by a Zombie?
Will Smith dangles above his dog for a while before he passes out. Despite the fact that the German Shepherd barks for several hours, he wakes up to the alarm on his watch.
Will Smith
How did I get up here? It’s almost dark!
Audience
Actually we are wondering the same thing. If you were indeed trapped by a zombie, then that would mean that a zombie rigged up this complicated yet clever mechanism during the night. If YOU did this, which seems more likely, then you just managed to get caught in your own trap before a mindless, brain eating zombie did. How stupid are you?
Will Smith
They are not mindless zombies. They are humans infected with a virus. They are clearly different then all the other types of zombies in every other zombie movie and video game. Think of zombies on steroids.
Audience
Steroids? Like the kind at Jose Canseco’s pool party?
Will Smith
It’s getting dark, I need to cut myself down before the audience walks out. Other then my own stupidity, the darkness is the only threat to my existence.
He cuts himself down but then retardedly falls on his knife. As the sun begins to set, the virus infected people and animals start to emerge from the shadows. One of them bites his dog.
Audience
I guess from this scene we have two take aways. First, if a Zombie or Zombie animal bites you then you become a zombie, and two, Will Smith is an out of control idiot for stabbing himself with his pocket knife.
Will Smith
Almost. You forgot that I was immune to the disease I created.
Audience
Oh…. Well how convenient.
Later that night Will Smith has another flashback.
INT. Another Will Smith Flashback
Will Smith’s Wife
We can’t leave you! But I guess we should.
Will Smith
Don't wor-ry. About a thing.....Cause Every Little thing......is gonna be al-right....
The helicopter containing his wife and child blows up because another helicopter inexplicably crashes into it. The audience is confused by this senseless killing of Will Smith’s family, when they could have just as easily exited the plot by flying to a safe house.
INT. Desolate Manhattan
Will Smith
I need to avenge the death of my dog, that I am essentially responsible for, by getting caught in the one trap in all of New York City.
Audience
You’d think after that flashback you would be more upset about losing your family, but whatever . . . . Wait, shouldn’t you be working on that cure?
Will Smith
No. I am going on a suicide mission to run over as many zombies as I can before I die, in honor of my German Shepherd.
Audience
How legendary
He does this and gets dominated by the Zombies. Millions of C.G.I. digital Zombies attack Will Smith and he is about to die when he is saved by Alice Braga.
Audience
I was hoping it ended that way.
INT. Will Smith’s House
Alice Braga
You almost died out there. What exactly were you trying to do? I have a kid by the way, his name is irrelevant.
Will Smith
I was trying to kill myself for agreeing to be in this movie. The plot doesn't matter anyway.
Alice Braga
How does it not matter? In fact, haven’t you up to this point been working on a cure that would help with taking responsibility for all the problems that you caused? Now, after spending the majority of your time hunting gazelle and wandering the streets, you try to kill yourself because your dog died?
Will Smith
Wait, did you tell the Zombies where I lived?
Alice Braga
What?
Millions of digital Zombies proceed to attack Will Smith’s house. Despite the numerous security measures in place, the Zombies infiltrate the house with relative ease. He fights them off with fire arms and heroic resolve. He saves Alice Braga and her son and the three flee to the laboratory.
Two pretty irrelevant characters
Will Smith
Oh Snap! One of the specimens is cured! Here, take this blood sample. It proves that I found the cure.
Will Smith hides Alice Braga and son in a safe in the back of the laboratory. He then proceeds to take out a grenade, put it in his mouth, and dive into the crowd, thereby exploding the pursuers, the laboratory, and the plotline all over the place.
INT. Surviving Human Colony
Alice Braga and her son drive into the safety of the surviving human colony. Her voice over begins to speak.
Alice Braga
Will Smith is a Legend.
END.
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