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 | Written by Jim Sarruda on Tuesday, 08 April 2008
Category:Random_Sarruda
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Welcome to the April 9 edition of Weaksauce Wednesdays, where a made-up word can be a noun, a verb, an adjective, an adverb, and an abomination all at the same time.
Today we are going to discuss what it means to be a nerd, because nerds are weaksauce.
The term “nerd” is pretty much all-inclusive these days. You have your brainy nerds, your wizard nerds, your gothic nerds, your fat anti-social nerds, you asthma nerds, etc.
However, all nerds are not weaksauce. Getting good grades does not make you nerdy. Getting good grades makes you smart, gets you an exceptional college education, and gets you a high paying job.
Let me take you back to how the old-fashioned “nerd” is born and raised….
So get comfortable, it’s time for more story telling.
 Go outside
It all starts at age ten when the poor losers’ parents don't give them enough thought because they are hippie rejects themselves. Consequentially, the kids are never forced out of the house during the age of Nintendo. The worthless parents were too busy criticizing the president and promoting bicycles to raise a child, so the little tyke resorts to video games. Therefore, being constantly indoors breathing the stale stench of loneliness often leads to respiratory problems, and the development of asthma along with annoying sniffles and wheezes. The child soon bypasses crucial years of socialization, and sets the stage for a worthless existence.
As they progressed to elementary/middle school age, children would get nastier and jealous. Competition flourished and the nerd children quickly became targets due to their abominable social skills and annoying wheezing and sniffling. In the face of adversity, the nerd children often retreated to the safety and comfort of their video game world, where they frequently imagined “old righty” was Lara Croft or in extreme cases…Princess Toadstool. This ultimately encouraged the consumption of plenty of food in conjunction with the absence of exercise, and inevitably poor eyesight. The nerd children soon became either frail or fat and acquired glasses, both of which to compliment their breathing disorders. By the start of high school, something needed to change or they would be kicking the chair away four years early.
 Is he wearing a diaper?
The high school life of a nerd child would be boring an empty, mirroring that of his/her parents. The adolescent would watch as TV was filtered out of his/her life and the parents would do nothing but read the newspaper and brainstorm all the things wrong with the world. This would also be around the time of sexual tension, and with the personality of an ice cube tray, sexual desire would soon overpower the poor little soul into a perpetual feeling of rejection. With no where to turn but to music, the most popular solitary expression of despair, the chap would find refuge in being rebellious. "Rebel against the society that shunned you." This is how the abominations of mankind called "Goths" are created.
 Dying isn't trendy you idiot
The Goths embellish their antisocial behavior with ridiculous clothing and white face point to show that they want to and should BE DEAD. They congregate together and learn to embrace rejection, and eventually learn how to play loud, obnoxious, AWFUL, uncreative music on the guitar and call it being "original." If you want to be original ACTUALLY JUMP. Everyone else you admire is cowardly singing about how much they want to be dead, so this would make you a trend setter for your queer little following you black-lip-stick wearing insufferable hemorrhoid.
In college the nerd child would eventually become . . . you guessed it . . . a pothead. Not all potheads are created this way, but most nerd children become potheads. Pot numbs the pain of societal rejection, and makes a nice combination with video games, constant eating, and irresponsibility. Pot will soon take over, and socialization is procrastinated even further as the victim now spends even more time indoors with food and computers. Now you have your fat, lazy, glasses wearing, nasal wheezing, red eyed, ZILCH, who sits around in boxers ironically raving about the deterioration of society, while dropping pretzel crumbs and pride all over the keyboard. This person will eventually get a job as a computer network administrator and find some meaningless radical group to support like PETA. They will come home from work every day (assuming that they leave home for work) and eat a combination of low fat pizza, bacon salad, and low salt French fries to "compensate" for the toddler they mistook for a Danish. They will eventually meet a manatee they will call a "soul mate" on Friendster, have a wedding funded by the Discovery Channel and then think of some spiritual reason to have a kid, who will eventually, like their parents grow up to become a hippie loser--keeping this world polluted with disgrace.
Go back to the shadow from which you came.
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By:Jim Sarruda
Category:Random_Sarruda
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